SELF-PORTRAIT AS 50 COUNTS OF PRESSURE
WRITTEN BY STEVEN C. WRIGHT - EDITED BY REMI STAMATELLOS
Content Warnings: Mentions of OCD, Self-Harm, and Eating Disorders
my preemie lungs fighting oxygen // the anesthetic against mom's consciousness, after they said I wasn't breathing // my tiny grasp on every little thing // my body pressing into mom during every doctor’s visit // mom squeezing her eyes shut for every needle in my arm // realizing how much dad is working // serotonin eking out though coils // loneliness as a coiled snake // panic attacks leaking out of my nose // the tumor against my brain // nearsightedness; squinting // platonic love, spoon fed through gritted teeth // trying hard; very sorry // puberty; the closet // learning how to be smaller // learning how to drive // my hands on the steering wheel, clinging for dear life // turning left into traffic, almost killing the examiner // his fingers on the emergency brake // my fingers ripping tufts of hair // learning how to hurt myself // obsessive-compulsive disorder, eager to wring out my life // my fear of it, my fear of that // divorce on the big screen // mom and dad as shattering glass doors // the closet door, swinging open // romantic love as sandpaper // his fingers, pushing into me, like thumbs into eyes // sex, and hating it // hating my body // peeling an unripe avocado after starving myself all day // my feet against the scale, ten times a morning // the fear of numbers // the fear of time // the fear of death // the fear of dying in a moving car // my aching shoulder and the passenger grab handle // hypertension // mom and dad as ticking clocks // missing dad, but never calling // obsessive-compulsive disorder, eager to wring out my life // the fear of it, the fear of that // each intrusive thought that wraps its fingers around my neck // my biting tongue against my love for life// my second guess against my every instinct // my regret against my nostalgia // my nostalgia against my future // my future against my worry // my worry against my stomach lining // my screaming gut; my two sore throats
-ABOUT THE AUTHOR-
Steven C. Wright (he/him) is a queer poet and prose author from Edison, New Jersey. He has a B.A. in English from Rutgers University-New Brunswick, and runs a small poetry workshop group every week. His work has appeared in Frontier Poetry, Serotonin Press, BRAWL, and elsewhere.